Reflections of a Variant

“The mind of a person plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps”. – Proverbs 16:9

I’m turning 40 next week. As sophomore in college, I’m often the oldest person in my class. Every time my discussion post replies include things like “After 22 years of marriage” or “my adult children”, I feel like I gain 10 new grey hairs. The hardest part about starting my education later in life hasn’t been issues with working memory or keeping up with the latest technology but fighting the feeling of racing the clock.

I say “fighting” because it is a fight. The logic of my situation is often at odds with the truth that God is in control and His plans always work out better than our own. I know I may not achieve a PhD before I am 50. I know that any teaching career I may have will be short. I know I may be vowing “till death do us part” to student loans. But I also know God’s incredible faithfulness. I know miracles, I know the brilliant plot twists of a master storyteller weaving together circumstances that work for my good and His glory. When the panic and strategizing take hold I can look back on how the Lord has guided me all my life and turn those thoughts into trust and peace.

The Plan

Fun fact: I was actually enrolled in college at 18. Yep! I completed one whole semester and am pretty sure I didn’t pass any classes. I don’t know. I never checked.

You see, 18 year-old me and my newlywed husband had this wonderful plan: I was going to go to Bible college and get a theology degree while he worked full-time, then he would go back and finish the remaining two years he needed while I worked to support us, then we would use our degrees to take staff jobs at a large church: youth ministers or missionaries, and then start our family.

The Detour

It was a GREAT plan, until it wasn’t. Just three months after we said, “I do” and only two weeks before I was to start my freshman year of Bible college, we stared down in disbelief at two pink lines on a pregnancy test.

I was too legalistic to swear back then but ya girl was thinking it.

I contacted my counselor to explain the situation and ask about withdrawing. They would only refund 25% of my tuition since it was so close to the start of classes, and since my dad had paid that for me, I decided not to waste his money and took the classes anyway. Having spent most classes sleeping through lectures and hugging the toilet bowl, I can confidently say his money was wasted anyway.

Deciding not to return the next semester felt like the death of a dream. I tried to imagine how it might work to work, go to school, and wrangle one baby.

one…baby…

The Chaos

Four months after Samuel was born that darned pregnancy test laughed at us again. And yes, I was on birth control. I know you were wondering.

When Silas was 18 months old, we decided to go off birth control and “see what happens”. Adalie happened that month.

Getting a degree wasn’t even fantasy at that point. We were just trying to survive. Living-wage jobs are hard to come by when you have no degree, and we often had to work multiple jobs each. Our lives were filled with diapers, chaos, food stamps, “which utility bill gets paid this month roulette”, work, sleepless nights, laundry, church volunteering, “why is this wet?”, and “whose boogers are these”?

The Master Weaver’s Work

When I got diagnosed with uterine cancer at 23 and had a hysterectomy, I was thankful God interrupted my plans. I wanted a degree so badly, and still did, but I realized in that moment just how miraculous each of my children were and how lucky I was to get to be a mom. If I hadn’t had them when I had, I wouldn’t have them at all.

Around the same time, we joined a church-plant team affiliated with the same network as the Bible college I wanted a degree from. What followed was 8 years of spiritual abuse, manipulation, and trauma. I’ve made a lot of content about my deconstruction and reconstruction journey which can be found at the sidebar here and on TikTok.

Part of that journey was reexamining what I believed: About God, theology, leadership, social issues, and politics. After years of reflection and a small fortune on therapy, I find my values far removed from those of that network. You could say I dodged a bullet by not finishing my degree there, but I like to say God was protecting me.

And Others FROM Me…

When I reflect on what God saved me from, it’s not lost on me that He was also saving others from me. I am not the same Christ-follower today as I was then. Loved Jesus with all my heart and wanted to serve Him? Absolutely! But YOUNG, fundamentalist, prideful, and inexperienced me, armed with a degree, would have done a lot of damage. I would have continued the cycle of authoritarian leadership and defined ministry success by growth in numbers, speaking engagements, and getting others to fall in line. Someone could be sitting in their therapist’s office today, no longer following Christ, because they were under my leadership.

In His Time

At 38, with two of our children grown and some free time on my hands, the time was right for me to pursue a theology degree, so I enrolled in online classes at GCU. The 20-year detour to get here took me through poverty, cancer, abuse, pain, crisis of faith, an autism diagnosis, and a deepening of love for my creator I never thought possible. I gained a lot of scars, but from them come grace and mercy. 18-year-old me wanted to learn theology because I wanted to know everything. 40-year-old me wants to learn it because I never want to stop having questions. Today-me understands that even though proper Biblical study and interpretation are important, it’s nothing without spiritual formation and loving others.

18-year-old me was passionate about certainty, rules, sin, and systems. 40-year-old me is passionate about healing, the marginalized, love, exploring the depths of my creator, and throws a “meh” to what was once so certainly thought sinful. *Types while nursing a generous pour of cabernet*

When thoughts of racing the clock creep in, the Holy Spirit reminds me of His higher plans, of trust, of thankfulness, and I marvel at what He has done and is still orchestrating. I’m thankful for what He protected me from and who He protected from me.

And if 18-year-old me could see 40-year-old me, she would lose her shit.